i changed my blog title. i feel like "looking for home" is no longer who i am, because i have found home. in the words of jamie tworkowski, "home is where you hug a hundred people". i have found that place. but that will not stop me from wandering, exploring the infinite possibilities of this life

a year goes by...

i just paged through my blog and realized that i started it a year ago today. i thought i would have remembered that, since it's christmas and all, but i guess not.

but, oh what a year it has been. i feel like i've come full circle, as a sit in the kitchen at my indiana home. but, i finally feel like i know who i am and where i belong. it's been a journey, and i regret none of it. i expect more such journeys in the future.

however, today, i am content to finally breathe again. the love of jesus in a symphony, running through me, a melody running underneath me (thanks, switchfoot).

merry christmas, all.
the light of the world loves you.

this isn't a defeat

three months ago if i had thought about moving back to indiana, i would have said, "no way." it would seem to me the biggest failure, like a defeat of some sorts.

and that's the problem, to some degree. somehow along the way i got into this mindset that i was "too good" for indiana, and i was wrong. i'm not trying to sound self-deprecating and say that i'm not good enough for anything, but the issue was my attitude. and i learned that the hard way, and really, there wasn't any other way for me to learn it. i tried getting away from my surroundings thinking that somehow i'd get away from myself. it was easy to box all my problems and neatly label them "living in indiana", instead of more accurately "having a selfish and prideful heart and not trusting god".

not to say that my time in new york has been wasted, because that's the furthest thing from the truth. god has revealed so many things to me, he took me to a place where he was literally the only thing i had to rely on and i've grown so much closer to him. i've seen a lot of wonderful things, had some amazing experiences. i had a chance to live with someone who was hurting and broken and hopefully pour some of jesus into her. and i'm looking forward to visiting here, it's a great place. but it's not home.

what is home?

i'm not sure yet, but i'm being called back to washington, indiana. it's funny, when i told the few people i met here that i was leaving i got some smiles, nods and "good luck". not that they aren't nice people, it just doesn't really matter to them whether or not i'm there. the people i told in indiana, however, were excited and said they couldn't wait to see me and were glad that i'm coming home. home is where the heart is, i guess, and my heart's wrapped up in the lives of people in indiana, especially my family.

that doesn't mean i'll never leave again, because i know i will. but, i'll leave with a different mindest. i believe that indiana is my home, and using home as a launching pad, who knows where i'll go?

hello december,

the year is swiftly coming to a close. it's been a big year, a lot of changes, a lot of trials and a lot, i mean a lot, of god's provision. i've moved away from home, started a new life. and i'm thankful. so very thankful.

now, i look to future with eager eyes. i don't want to live in the past, wondering what might have been. it's time to let go of all that. instead, i'm willing to shape my future and let my future shape me, with my hand in the gentle grasp of my Father.

canvas

i like the idea that life is a blank canvas, or an untouched lump of clay. it means great freedom to create, to explore new techniques of artistry, to make something unique.

i don't like the pressure to make exactly what everyone else is making.
i don't like the pressure of my want/need to make it perfect, beautiful, exact.

but, i'm learning.

there is One who set a great example about how to create. and i think it brings joy to him to see his children follow his footsteps. he has certain rules, like any art form does, and if we let him guide us, he will help us make the most beautiful, perfect life because that's what he wants from us.

that's why he lets us go through the hard times, sometimes pieces need refined, need chiseled, need to be redone. and through it all, we learn and our life continues to be molded and changed into an image of Him.

it's beautiful

cerulean

what is freedom
but a sweetly whispered word
adrift on a soft breeze
landing in my heart
causing all my chains to crumble

(your light blinds me
but there is nothing i would rather see
your love slays me
but there is no other reason to live)

hope
is like the clouds, set ablaze by the sunset
color is something i don't see
but feel

isn't mercy like rain?
a tender touch on an upturned face
(thankful)

a certain sighing silence
as love stealthily conquers all
even yesterday and tomorrow are held in love's firm grip

you are sufficiently amazing (amazing sufficient)

sleeping awake.

just watched the matrix. gee, i forgot how much i really, really, like that movie.

POD wrote a song for the matrix reloaded called "sleeping awake". i'll let the lyrics speak for themselves...

Reveal to me the mystery
Can you tell me what it means?
Explain these motions and metaphors
Unlock these secrets in me
Describe the vision, the meaning is missing
Won't anybody listen?

Define the riddles of my mind
Nothing is really what it seems

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake
Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel what I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake
Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel like I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping...

Can you see it? The writing,
Can you tell me what it means?
Translate the symbols, Enigma
Expressions keep questioning me
The message is written, the meaning is missing
Won't anybody Listen?

Prophesy, interpretating the signs
Nothing is really what it seems

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake
Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel what I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake
Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel like I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
Can you hear what I hear?
And do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
And do you feel like I feel?
And can you dream like I dream?

Do you see what I see?
Can you hear what I hear?
Or do you feel like I feel?
Or do you dream like I dream?
Anybody see me?
Anybody hear me?
Anybody feel me?
Anybody out there?!?

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake
Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel what I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake
Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel like I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Anybody see me?
Anybody hear me?
Anybody feel me?
Anybody out there?!?

always yours

i've just been tripping through life lately. pretty content, i suppose, but never wanting to settle in complacency. trying to just make sense of the situations god has me, but then realizing i just need to live, following his lead, and trusting him to work out whatever plan he has.

because, my steps are ordered by the lord. i don't need to worry about following some magic formula to make sure i'm "in his will", i just... live, loyal to my first love, Jesus, learning to channel all of my actions through my love for him.

by the way, the new switchfoot album is amazing

"Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
And I am always yours"
(switchfoot - always)

there is no victory without purity

I was listening to Jason Upton the other day. I had actually quite forgotten about him, I'm afraid. But I came across some CDs of his I have, and I was very glad I had found them. In one of his songs, he starts singing about how there is no victory without purity.

i started to roll that around in my head a bit. it seems like no one talks about purity anymore, and if you do you are a religious fundamentalist, a pharisee, "holier than thou", or amish. and truthfully, i think that's awful.

obtaining purity has been stripped down to not much more than a list of dos and don'ts by western Christianity. and there's been a lot of contemporary teaching on getting rid of that list, about how god loves us despite what we do or don't do. and that is so true. in fact, that's the only way to look at it.

but it doesn't stop there.

in the dictionary, purity is defined as the state of being pure. pure is defined as " unmixed with any other matter", and "free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes" among other similar definitions.

the first definition illustrates the heart of god, i think. purity is a natural result of a true relationship with jesus. when you let his love consume you, you will not want to be mixed with any other matter. and god is jealous over our hearts, as we grow with him he will strip away all that is not of him and bring us to a state of purity. search his word, ask him to speak to you. he will guide you to purity. religion can't accomplish that. all religion can do is try to tell what is right and what is wrong, but there is no substitute for the gentle guiding and refining from a god who loves you.

the second definition explains the why of purity. the things that are not of the lord weaken us! pollute us! they make us ineffective (vitiate). it's not that god is mean, and he wants us to conform to some arbitrary standard of conduct he conjured up from the sky or else bad things will happen. he designed us and created us for him and he knows that the things that are not of him will destroy us in time. and he loves us too much to let that happen.

search my heart, oh god. bring me to a place of purity before you.

"Blessed is the man who walks not in the counsel of the wicked, nor stands in the way of sinners, nor sits in the seat of scoffers; but his delight is in the law of the LORD, and on his law he meditates day and night. He is like a tree planted by streams of water..."
(Psalm 1 v 1-3)

"church shopping": third time's a charm

three sundays, three different churches. and i think that ended today.

i decided to go to gospel lighthouse church today, thanks to my boss, david, running into the associate pastor at walmart. the associate pastor and his wife used to work for david a few years back and although joel is only 22 he is now the associate pastor of an assembly of god church in hudson falls. his wife brittany is 20. david was talking to them, catching up, at walmart and they were talking about their church and david instantly thought of me.

so i went.

you see, the past couple of churches i've gone to, people weren't, well, very friendly. i tried to smile and make small talk with people, but it didn't go over that great. here, a lady greeted me in the parking lot. the pastor introduced himself. they had a period in the middle of the service where you're supposed to go around and greet your neighbor and all that, and i met so many people, it was insane.

and it wasn't like some places, where people are nice to you just because they want something from you (like a church membership). they were just genuinely nice, which for new york is pretty amazing. i met brittany, and we hit it off from the start. she's like me, looking for people close to her age to connect to, looking for some friends. i was invited to the ladies' ministry pasta dinner tonight, i actually just came back from that. i chatted with brittany and a few of the other ladies, i felt really welcome and really at home.

and the best part? these people are serious about god. that's why they are there. they honestly believe jesus when he said to love the lord god with all your heart and to love your neighbor as yourself. the pastor spoke about love today. how it's an action, how we have to move and sacrifice ourselves and realize our lives are about other people. and he meant it. he's trying to live it, encouraging others to do the same.

so thank you god, for leading me here. thank you god for new friends. thank you god, just for being you.

god should mean more than your workout routine

i like to exercise. i try to go run two or three times a week. i say i like to exercise, but the truth is, i do it more because i feel it's good for me and i enjoy the benefits of it than i do for the sheer joy of crawling out of bed on a cold morning and forcing my legs to move. i do it, then forget about it. besides the health benefits, it has no effect on my daily life except for the sometimes i have to re-arrange my schedule slightly to squeeze it in.

granted, i know there are people who are passionate about running. it's their passion, they love it and they do center their lives around it. that's great. i'm talking about the other 95% of us, who exercise because we have to, because we feel like it's a good thing to do, because we think it'll improve our life or something.

now, i've been church shopping and i've not really found a place i want to commit to going. but, i have come to the realization that most people treat church like a workout routine. they squeeze it in sunday mornings, pop their daily prayer and bible reading like vitamins and then forget about it. they do it to improve their lifestyle, to make them look good, to make them feel good.

unfortunately, i want more than that. i don't want god to "improve" my lifestyle, i want a lifestyle that is centered around god. that is about god and not me. not about me feeling good or looking good but about him feeling good and looking good.

maybe that's not possible to find in churches now, i don't know. all i know is that we can't compartmentalize god. he doesn't want to be penciled in, he wants all of your day.

and on a side note, the church i went to on sunday played a collection of taylor swift, beyonce, sara bereilles and kanye west in the lobby before service! and after the worship songs, the team played "apologize" by one republic! i was kind of shocked, to say the least. shouldn't god be honored in our music, ESPECIALLY at church?

" I'm watching the green give into gold, as summer becomes October's cold"

*title from The Afters "Summer Again". I recommend that everyone listen to it!

I'm having a crazy time right now, settling it. It's so bizarre, everything that's going on. I still can't believe that I actually moved from Indiana, and somehow landed in this amazing situation. And it's not the easiest thing I've ever done, but things had to change. I had to change, I have to continue to change, I have to grow and move and create and experience new and hard things. Life is about a journey, the destination is somewhat important, but what really matters is that we take each moment for what it is and make the most of it. And we will be held responsible for what we do with those moments; our stewardship of our time will be the greatest test of our character.

i've been thinking about life in general, my life in specific. i'm slowly, gradually learning the things that are important to me, the things i want to invest my time in. i'm trying to line those things up with what god values as important, hopefully my thinking is becoming more like his. the shortness and frailty of life is an ever-present reality, one that gets lost in the endless television commercials and long work days.

one thing is for sure, however, the more i change the more i realize that my life isn't about me. and the more i start to live my life for other people, the more i feel content with myself. it seems a backward contradiction, but maybe that's why the kingdom of god is considered an upside-down system, where the losers win and those who give it all away gain it all in the end. and i would rather be the lowliest of low now to be held in esteem by the father of the heavens for all eternity.


i'm pretty sure i posted this poem last fall, but who cares, it's still great:

to stand(alone)in some

autumnal afternoon:
breathing a fatal
stillness;while

enormous this how

patient creature(who’s
never by never robbed of
day)puts always on by always

dream,is to

taste
not(beyond
death and

life)imaginable mysteries

(ee cummings)

somehow everything's gonna fall right into place

it's amazing how life changes so suddenly. but, when an opportunity is right in front of your face, you'd be a fool to walk away.

ever since i've been up here, i've been babysitting for a lady who has a three-year-old daughter and way too much to do and too little time. She really needs a live-in nanny and house-keeper, but there was noone here she felt would really work out. except for me, but i was planning on leaving to go... nowhere? i don't know, i had no direction. vague ideas maybe, but nothing concrete. however, it seemed like everything i needed was in front of my face the entire time. a nice-paying job with flexible hours, a place to stay, the abililty to leave for a month or so to go to england, living in an area that i really enjoy, free to write and create and to hike and explore. i get a new vehicle, my boss is willing to work with me to help me afford it. i'm going to hopefully find a church to go to. maybe even a part-time job at a ski place? who knows, anything is possible, i'm realizing.

i get to see the winter here. skiing, ice skating.. snow! god is taking care of everything, giving me what i need. it's breath-taking, really. i can hardly believe it.

i am so grateful. i am so taken aback.

his mercies are new every morning

and that is a miraculous thing.

i have so much to be thankful for. i'm on this crazy, wild ride called my life and god is the one steering. he knows exactly what i need and when i need it.

there are just certain things that i don't think will ever be the same. i can't sleep in anymore. mornings are just too beautiful to miss out on. i'm not interested in shopping and loading up on new things to make myself feel new. i have mountains and rivers and lakes to do that for me, mainly because they point to their Creator, and he makes all things beautiful and new in their time. but, i still lack in so many areas. but, there is one who fills all empty places when they're ready.

"where my feet will never trod"

collapsed blue of sky
water to my wandering eye
a reflection, out of grasp
and i, on the outside, lack
doomed to see, but never touch
and doomed to see much too much
trees of autumn, filled with red
are words to me, never said

leaves of red

"get up, get out, make this be for something - or else it's all just nothing" (the rocket summer)

long time no blog, eh? however, being laptopless is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. to think, i probably would have been spending my time with my face in front of a screen as opposed to biking down to the village, or driving up to Lake Placid. And living in a tent has completely changed my sleeping patterns. I go to bed earlier and get up earlier. And the great part about that has been the morning jogs on the great trails Crandall Park has through the woods. And I've got time... time to brush up on my french, time to play the guitar, time to read and time to talk with God. And for once in my life, I'm at peace with the pace of time. I used to stress over how fast it was going, or how slow it was passing. But now, now I'm not worried about anything.

life is strange, it's so short, but sometimes it seems like it endlessly stretches out in front of us...

and every single need is being taken care of. amazing, isn't it?


the leaves are beginning to change here. the nights and mornings are crisp and chilly. fall is approaching, and it's got to be the best time of the year. the trees come alive for one last hurrah before the winter sets in. the temperature is ideal, starting to cool down. i just regret that i'm going to miss the winter with the blankets and blankets of snow...

listen to the rain

it's been a sunny day, at least up in the north country, up in the high peaks.

i hit the road a bit today, explored the northern countryside where the towns are named after their lakes, the altitude is high, your cell phone doesn't have service most of the time and it's all framed by the beautiful ruggedness of the Adirondack mountainous wilderness.






it's breathtaking.

and now it's raining, back in the lake george region where the tourists gather and spend their money, shopping at the outlet malls, seemingly unaware of the realness of the mountains and the wilderness that lie just a little ways up the northway. i guess it's easier to find contentment in the material, the plastic. it makes us feel big and in control, unlike the high peaks. they make us feel small, dwarfed by their beauty.

and personally, i like it better that way

my tent doesn't leak

and since it's my home for the next few weeks, i am very thankful for that.
i'm also thankful for mountains and lakes and beautiful cities.

we drove all seventeen hours here last week without stopping for the night. it was incredible.

i've been working as an activities director at the campground basically since the day we got here. it can be a bit boring, as there isn't a lot of kids around that are interested in our paltry activities when a six-flags theme park and other various tourist stops are just down the road. but, it's money and money is unfortunately essential, especially if i want to travel again here in a few weeks.

i was thinking about changing my facebook network, but i wasn't sure what i'd change it to. it's weird that i don't live in indiana anymore. but, i don't mind the weirdness, i actually like it.

and i can forgive the lack of sunsets, only because the mountains are blocking them. i've had plenty of sunsets, but not enough of mountains.

went on a bike on a very nicely maintained bike path in the woods. this was the view:



it's hard to beat

i wanna get kicked out of somewhere

you know, like the library here, or walmart. 'cause it wouldn't matter, i'm leaving in the morning!

of course, it all still feels like a dream. i honestly can't believe that this is really happening. it is impossible to describe the feeling of having (nearly) all of my belongings neatly packed in the back of my station wagon. in all actuality, i am currently homeless. and i think i'm supposed to feel freed, but the reality of it all hasn't actually sunk in yet.

tomorrow... the open road. windows down, music playing (or not playing, because sometimes silence is more meaningful than any music), driving my car further than it's ever been. i'm going back to the place i was born, even though i didn't live there for long, i still feel a connection (along with hating my parents for moving. well not, really, but still!). and i'll only be there for about six weeks before we move again, this time to north carolina to live with a family that's practically my own, but still isn't. it's going to be strange, but these are the kind of memories i want to have. i want good stories to tell my grandkids about my life. i don't want to tell them that i sat in indiana on my computer when i was young. i want to tell them how i saw things, felt things, experienced things.

the conventional, it's just not me. it leaves me burned out and depressed. but this, this wild crazy not settling down, everything up in the air manic life, that's me. and i love every moment of it.

there is one thing in life that i have come to learn.
that is, treating each person you come in contact with like they are important makes such a huge difference.

this might be a trite example, but hear me out.

i was at work today, waiting tables, and being awesome and whatnot. it's usually my policy to treat customers like they rock because it typically means more money for me. (however, i have a theory that i'd rather deal with a nice customer who tips poorly than a rude customer who tips well. so maybe i'm not too much of a mercenary. but i digress). i decided to expand that practice, however, to my coworkers and to whomever else may just decide to cross my path.

there is this one girl at work who i just didn't think liked me. she was always rude and standoffish and i typically avoided her when i could. but today, i decided to say good morning to her and ask her how she was. to my suprise she didn't say "leave me alone, jerk", but smiled and returned the question. and the entire day we were pleasant to each other. which led to me think that when we think people are rude to us, maybe they think we are the ones being rude. and it's up to us to break out of that, even with a simple good morning.

you see, because in the end life is not about me.
it's about other people.
and making other people feel like they are liked and valued as a person even when you're not sure you even like them is what i believe i (and i think you, too) are called to do.
i think that one book says something along those lines. oh you know, the bible. yeah, that jesus dude. and that paul guy, too.

it is freeing to live outside of yourself. it rids you of not only vanity and pride, but also of self-consciousness and insecurity. because those are just two sides of the same coin: self-absorption.

the past is over.

there is nothing you can do about it now.
i'm sorry. but you have to let it go.

there is only one thing you can do.
that is, take control of the future. you have a chance to make the future whatever you want it to be. you may not be able to control time, but you can control how you react and respond. you are responsible with what you make with the things that life (God) gives you.

so, do yourself a favor.
leave the past behind you.
pocket the good memories and hold onto the lessons you've learned from your mistakes.

...and walk forward.

my list of things to do is quite daunting
but i'm not afraid of it

it's the natural course of life,
this thing called change
and i like it
i like it a lot

anticipation...

i like sitting on my front porch at two in the morning.
it feels so empty inside of the house, but outside i feel like i'm engaging with life or something.
and i like thinking about how i will be living in the back of van in a campground in lake george, new york here in about two and a half weeks.

i like those kinds of thoughts a lot.

i like the word "leaving".

it's a double-edged sword. it first severs you from something, but at the same time brings you to something else.
i like the thought of being brought to something else.

there's a life pusling through my veins. a craving, a longing, the spirit of adventure. it drives my heart to beat. i breathe oxygen to fuel it. it's in my blood.

thank god, because i see his hand in all of this.

i thought about waiting to write this tomorrow because it might hold a bit more signifigance. but there is a lot running through my mind and i'll probably forget it all tomorrow.

you see, tomorrow i turn twenty years old. for some, i guess it's not that big of deal, but for me it is. when i was a kid i had very high expectations for myself, i wanted to be the kind of person that changed the world while they were still in high school, published books, wrote music and travelled around the world. but the course of my life has not been, as is usually the case, what i had intended as a child. my teenage years flew by and everytime i tried to break away from "normal" i was buffeted. it took a long time, wrestling with god, to realize that his plans are higher than mine and i'm still struggling with trusting him.

but instead of viewing tomorrow as the burial day of all i dreamed i do as a teen, i'm going to see it as a new birth. it is the beginning of my twenties, i am for real an adult. i have a bit more experience behind me, i am somewhat wiser, and for once in my life, i'm not afraid to just walk out the door and leave everything i know behind.

i am finally learning to not focus on some vague goal or plan, but learn to love the process, the journey, growing and becoming the person i am. and i hope to god this never stops. i don't want to be a washed out, stagnant, middle-aged lady content to dwell in mediocrity.

i won't look back at what "might have been", but i am surely not going to let the future go to waste.

it's time to close one door, and open another.

adventure is waiting...

what we do when we are bored says so much about our character.

(so what am i doing?
wasting my time, as usual
my life is draining from me
one second at a time
and i spend the evening on the computer
is that the kind of person i want to be?)

"as the mirror caught your eye it was clear
you've had enough of these second tries
over and over again
it's time for change"

-darkroom

Einstein said that doing the same thing over and over again, hoping for a different result, is the very definition of insanity. But isn't that what we do everyday? The same routine, the same conversations, the same mindsets regarding everything... and then we wonder why we are tired and burnt out.

Somehow, we have to learn how to stop trying and how to start changing.

Change is essential to growth, but I'm afraid that I have become rather stagnant. But, it just takes a simple change, like a slight re-arrangement of priorities or a shifting of motive to stir up the murky waters of my mind. Of course, that means lifting my vision a bit higher, to Christ, and not focusing so much on my selfishness. And it's a process, that's for sure, and it's not likely to be over anytime soon.

But, that's the beauty of it. It's a journey, and there's a lot of pretty scenery and neat places to stop and explore along the way. I'm going to have fun with it, because I love God and none of this is drudgery.

untitled short story.

There was no telephone at the house on the lake. For this, Susannah was extremely glad. The lake and the surrounding woods were all she needed, telephones were man-made contraptions, invented to attempt to still the screaming emptiness inside. Susannah was a cynic. Susannah was alone. Susannah was not happy, although she had a tendency to lie to herself about that.

It was a cool spring morning. Boxes laid strewn about the house, half-unpacked. Susannah had, for the first time, awoken in her house on the lake. She walked to the window and opened it, letting the gentle breeze sweep the fresh air into the kitchen. She looked despondently upon the general disarray of the house.

“Why does starting a new life have to be so messy?”, she asked aloud to the nobody that was her company.

The birds were singing a tune never before heard by Susannah. She stopped for a moment and listened to their melody. Something stirred within her, something hard to explain. She wanted to be able to immerse herself in their song, to belong to the bigger symphony that was leading them on. She sighed and turned to the newly un-boxed coffee pot. She rummaged around the clutter to find the beans, then the grinder. Finally, she had a cup of coffee in her hand and she opened the back door to step outside onto the deck. She stood at the railing, looking at the sun's multi-faceted reflection in the water. A few geese had taken residence on it's shimmery surface and she could see a school of minnows in the shallow water near the shore.

“A boat,” she said aloud to herself. “I need a boat.”

Although she had never even thought about having a boat before, the sudden decision to acquire one did not surprise her. It seemed like the proper response to her viewing of the lake and she determined that she would drive into town that afternoon to see what buying a boat entailed.

She walked the length of the deck, the old wood creaking under her soft foot-falls. Back and forth she paced a few times, until her coffee was finished and she was left with only a beautiful morning and an empty mug. Sighing again, she re-entered the house. She had worked so hard to get here, to get this place she thought would answer everything and now she did not know how to proceed.

All her life, Susannah had worked hard, fought to get what she thought she wanted. But it was all in vain as her life slowly unraveled. She had suddenly realized what she had known all along was true. There is no getting happiness by merely existing to gain a vague sense of success. Even with a good job high up in a publishing company, Susannah was not happy. She had the unfortunate perception of sensing the emptiness in her motions, she was existing merely as a tool for her company. She fought with the management to gain a three-month hiatus and they finally, albeit reluctantly, allowed it. She had a feeling that the break was going to last far more than three months, and had actually purchased the lake house without telling a soul.

Not that there was anyone who would actually care in the long run. Susannah had friends – well, more like acquaintances -- but no one who she would really miss. And that was her own fault; she was so absorbed in her own unhappiness that she could not befriend anyone. And that was one of her deepest regrets, something that she hoped she could resolve. The community that lay just a few miles from her new house seemed like the perfect place to start a new life, and perhaps, learn what it means to know and be known by others.

Susannah went through the motions of dressing and grooming, and then begin to casually unpack a few boxes. The house did not feel like home, she did not feel like she belonged there. She had a growing feeling that she was an intruder, and the rightful inhabitant would come in any moment. The feeling grew to be unbearable and she finally had to stop placing books on what she almost was beginning to believe were someone else's shelves. She looked at the newly-hung clock. It was noon and she decided to drive into town for lunch and to see about getting a boat.

She walked to her vehicle, the day slightly warmer but not at all unpleasant. The sun hung high in the sky and the rays spread out, filtered and dispersed by the growing number of clouds. It would rain that night, or at least she hoped so. She was looking forward to seeing the raindrops elegantly pound out their rhythm on the surface of the water. She started her vehicle and slowly backed out of the driveway, listening to the sound of the gravel shifting underneath her tires.

The drive to Huntington was uneventful as Susannah drank in the sights of the rolling fields in the gentle countryside. The years of living in a steel and concrete world had taken their toll on her mind, and as she gazed across the wide open fields and rolling hills, she felt a sense of refreshment. Huntington was not a very small town, it had the usual shopping malls and chain restaurants, but it was so situated in the foothills of the mountains that it had a charming appeal. It's downtown was cultural and vibrant, and instead of competing with the attractions of nature, the city seemed to complement it. Susannah had visited it a few weeks ago, and therefore vaguely knew her way around the tree-lined streets. However, she was unsure about where exactly one could purchase a boat.

Susannah made her way downtown where she had noticed a couple of restaurants that looked appealing. She decided on an Italian place with an outdoor patio. She was quickly seated and served and she was pleased with her choice of pasta and salad. The garlic bread left a little to be desired, but she did not really care as she was absorbed in observing the people that walked the streets. There were your usual businessmen and women, quickly hurrying from one meeting to another, trying to prove to themselves and the world that they are important people. Susannah remembered that she was once part of that group and suddenly realized that she was free, no longer chained to that system. College kids in trendy clothes lackadaisically strolled by, some holding hands, each with their own destiny, own potential. Elderly couples peacefully ambled past, seemingly unaware of the fast-moving, changing world around them. Busy mothers with rambunctious children hurried by. Some kids, obviously skipping school, loudly rode their bicycles past. Everyone was so fascinating to Susannah, each person with their own thoughts and feelings and their own story.

She finished her lunch and left. She walked down the street to visit a few stores in hopes of finding a few things for the house. She wandered in out of the many little shops, picking out little knick-knacks and the like here and there. She found herself drawn into a quaint bookstore, advertising new, used and rare books. As she opened the door, the dusty smell of books long on shelves hit her. The shopkeeper was a tiny middle-aged woman with glasses almost as big as her face perched at the end of her nose. They were attached to a colorful, beaded chain that draped around the back of her neck. She wore an off-white, loose fitting button-up blouse with lace detail around the neck and sleeves paired with a long, flowing black skirt. She seemed one with the world of literature that surrounded her.

“Hello, how are you?” she said politely to Susannah as she entered.

“I'm well, thank you”, Susanna replied.

“Is there anything I can help you find?” the woman asked.

“Oh, no thanks, I'm just going to browse.”

“Alright, but feel free to let me know if you need anything! We just had someone drop by an entire box of some interested looking useds, but I've not shelved them yet. They're sitting over there by the counter, but feel free to look through them if you 'd like. Have you been in here before? You look somewhat familiar.”

“Well, no. I'm actually new in town and this is my first time stopping by”, Susannah explained.

“Oh, I'm sorry! Well, if you need help finding anything, don't hesitate to ask!”

Susannah thanked her and casually walked through the store, occasionally picking up a book and feeling its weight in her hands. Some were covered in dust and extremely old. She browsed the fiction section, the non-fiction section and then found herself in the poetry, debating on whether or not to get an gently used collection of poems by Emily Dickinson. She hesitated, then walked to the counter with the book in her hand.

“Did you find something you liked, then?” the shopkeeper asked.

Susannah answered in the affirmative and then engaged in small talk about the weather and the town with the lady, who said her name was Georgia. Georgia mentioned some points of interest that Susannah might like to visit, gave her some pointers on the best restaurants and other town-related information.

Susannah thanked her for the helpful insight, hesitated, then asked, “Do you know where I could find a boat?”

If Georgia thought that the question was odd she didn't show it, and merely answered, “Well, what kind of boat are you looking for?”

“I don't really know,” replied Susannah. “Something that would be good on a lake, I guess. Maybe something with paddles? I don't think I want to mess with anything with a motor, so I guess something like a rowboat or a canoe.”

“Hmm...”, mused Georgia. “ I know a guy down on 7th Street who sells camping and hiking supplies. He's got quite the store and I imagine he's got a boat somewhere.”

Georgia gave her directions, and Susannah told her how much she appreciated it. Georgia smiled and told her to come back anytime she had any questions and that she hoped she'd find the town to her liking.

Susannah made her way back to her car, her arms slightly burdened with her few purchases. The clouds that merely spoke of a possibility of rain in the morning now loomed with certainty. Susannah was eager to search for a boat, but reluctant to miss the rain on the lake. She decided to go back home. A cup of tea and a seat by the window overlooking the lake, Emily Dickinson in hand, sounded ideal.

Susannah parked her car in the driveway just as the rain began to fall. The gentle drops fell to the ground sporadically, but began growing in size and intensity. Susannah paused on the threshold of the back door, letting the rain soak her skin. She suddenly remembered her packages and quickly stepped inside. She put the few purchases away and started a kettle of tea. The rain drummed on the roof, a steady, rhythmic tattoo that echoed in Susannah's soul, reverberated throughout her heart. She filled her favorite mug with the hot, fragrant tea and picked up her book of poetry. As she settled into her seat by the window, she was suddenly hit with the possibilities that lay before her. She was starting a new life, she was going to carve out an existence worth the living. She might even have to get a phone, because she may end up having someone to call.

Susannah sighed, contentedly. She gazed through the window, the rain streaming down the pane. The lake seemed to come to life by the millions of tiny splashes made by the falling raindrops. She brought her cup to her mouth, breathing in the aromatic tea. She opened her book, then glanced out the window again. A smile broke forth on her face. Susannah was home.

the tree by the lake
bears its orange flowers proudly
a symbol, perhaps, of hope
its aesthetic beauty,
its simple stateliness
looks dramatically out of place
near the polluted lake
in this humdrum town
where the street lights never shine
on anything worth illuminating


the tree by the lake
bears its orange flowers proudly
planted, perhaps, to justify
the existence of this town
but it will take more
than this blossoming tree
to convince me that there is
anything here worth hoping for


the tree by the lake
bears its orange flowers proudly
it speaks, perhaps, of a better place
a shining beacon,
a flowering symbol
that there is beauty
in the midst of hopelessness
and it points toward
better places in other towns
where similar trees by similar lakes
bear their orange flowers proudly

"the kingdom of god is likened to a restaurant...."

as i was at work today, helping my darling friend rachel learn the ropes of the restaurant business, i was struck by the numerous parallels between how a restaurant runs and the way the kingdom of god works.

as a serv(ant)er at a restaurant, my primary goal is to make sure a customer is satisfied and pleased with their experience. it doesn't matter what i feel like, what i want to do, if i even like the customer or not, i must get out of myself and immerse myself in their needs. my very existence at my place of work is for the purpose of meeting customer's needs.

is it not the same with the kingdom? should not our existence on this planet be for the purpose of meeting the needs of those around us? it doesn't matter how we feel, whether or not we like the people we come in contact with, we need to put on a smile and serve those around us.

it's funny, at work, i hardly need to worry about what will make my boss happy. i know that if i serve the customers, if i meet their needs and make them happy, my boss will be happy. and i know that what my boss tells me to do is for the ultimate good of the business. everything that she tells us to do is for the better of the business. her entire life, pretty much, is centered around what will make her business better. everything that happens there is for the best of business!

and isn't it just like how god's kingdom works. we serve god by loving people and we love god by serving people and vice versa. everything he tells us to do is for the better of his kingdom. it doesn't matter what think is best, how we feel about it, what is says is what needs to be done. god's business is the business of people.

and you see, serving people is hard. that's why we don't do it alone. teamwork is essential to a smooth business. the only way to effectively serve others is to work together, watching out for each other. no one's in it alone.

ah, i don't know, maybe i'm just rambling and this made a lot more sense earlier when i was work, ha.

You struck the match - why not be utterly changed by fire?
To sacrifice the shadow and the mist
Of a brief life you never much liked - So if you'd care to come along we're gonna curb all our never-ending,
clever complaining (as who's ever heard of a singer criticized by his song?)
We hunger, but though all that we eat brings us little relief we don't know quite what else to do,
We have all our beliefs but we don't want our beliefs,
God of peace, we want you.
"four word letter" mewithoutYou

I don't want to live my life blindly following trends, believing what I believe because it's "cool" or matches a certain image I feel I need to live up to. Rather, I want to base my life around one Person, that is, Christ Jesus. I want to believe what He teaches regardless of whether it's "cool" and "trendy" or not. I don't want to feel like I need to project a certain image, fit into a certain demographic. The only image I want to reflect is that of Christ's.

Because, if you think about it, trying to fit a certain lifestyle or believe things because they're popular is simply selfishness. We want to feel good about ourselves, so we want to believe the things that will make people like us. And I'm tired of living like that. I want to live like I believe things whether or not people will like me because of them.

Is it possible to be so separated from your flesh to believe in something because you know that it's true, and not care whether people like you or agree with you or think you're cool and trendy because of it?

"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never ends. As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away. When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I have been fully known.

So now faith, hope, and love abide, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

1 corinthians 13, emphasis added

Love is not a feeling.

Pardon the cliche, but love is a verb.

Love hurts. Love is esteeming someone else better than yourself. Love is giving yourself fully to someone else.

And Christians are called to love everyone.

Our enemies, in our homes and overseas. On a personal level and on a national scale.

Love endures all things, even terrorist attacks.........

What I'm trying to say is, maybe we need to start loving like Christ. The social outcasts, the people who are hated. The greedy rich people, the guy who cut you off in traffic. Misguided Arab soldiers fighting for what they believe in, the bratty kids next door. Can we learn to look these people in the eyes and esteem them higher than ourselves?

If we did that, it would be.... Revolutionary.

What does living like Christ look like?

Isn't it a tragedy that people who claim to follow Jesus look so much like the rest of the world?

We are trapped in the same consumerism, we follow the same sporting events, we waste as much money on excessive material things.

I'm tired of following the world's system. Because I believe in a better system.

I believe in The Way of Jesus.

A Way in which millions of dollars aren't wasted on "games", but people give their money freely to those who need it.

A Way in which no one takes more than he needs. It reminds me of how when God sent manna to provide for His people in the wilderness. Whoever tried to stock up, to get ahead, to take more than was necessary found that his excess would spoil by the next day.

A Way in which people don't measure their worth by their gains and losses materially, but remember that they are members of the Kingdom of Heaven in which whoever loses their life will find it.

"It's an inside, outside, upside down kingdom
Where you lose to gain and you die to win"
-misty edwards

Are you more worried about who's going to win the game than about that your neighbors are dying from lack of clean water?

Are you more concerned about getting that "right" job than your neighbors are engaging in genocides and can't even feed their families properly?

Let's take a look at our hearts and try to line up our priorities with the Prince of Peace.

Sometimes I feel like I have no business writing. I have seen so little, my experiences are few. There seems to be little within me worth inscribing. But, I must write, so write I do . Most of my writing is private, but when I go to write a blog, I feel different. I am writing for an audience, a small audience, maybe, but I feel I need to make these words worth reading. So without further ado...


I am tired of living life so fakely.

I want to hold beliefs, fight for causes, make my fragile existence worth something. But, I don't know what, or how, or anything. There is so much messed up with this world.

I was listening to some ladies talk the other day about the wedding they were planning. Frankly, their talk disgusted me. Not that I have anything against marriage, but the flamboyancy of a modern wedding is appalling. People spend thousands, tens of thousands of dollars on a ceremony. You might say "Well, getting married is a special occasion and I spend so much because it's so important." But did you ever think that surviving just one more day is a special occasion to the starving and the homeless who could be helped with just a fraction of the money you are spending on that RIDICULOUS gown that you will wear ONCE?

I am such a hypocrite. I wish I could just pour out my life and resources on those who need it more. But, no, I spend my money and my time on doing whatever makes me comfortable. I don't know how to help, I don't know where to start. But I do know one thing, I will not accumulate an excess of material things. I don't believe in hoarding treasures on earth, I don't believe in having "nice things" for the sake of having "nice things". I can't believe that, not when the homeless of America are actually a good deal better off than most of Africa.

Can we not see our absurd excess? We are fat, obese on consumerism. It is such a tragedy that I can walk through a supermarket and be affronted by several different brands of bottled water to buy when people are DYING from lack of ANY drinkable water.

We are so sheltered, so blind. But I'm tired of looking the other way. My heart aches for the world, and it aches for the numbness of this Western culture. God, please show me how to be a beacon of hope and give me the chance to use the blessing of being in a prosperous nation to pour out on those less fortunate.

Why do I insist on living my life as if Christ does not have any influence over me?

My eyes need to opened, so very badly.

Today, I chose to make Him the center of my life. I want to walk confidently in His grace, knowing that He holds my heart. I want to live my life unafraid of commitment to His ways.

We have learned to run from pain, to run from anything relatively uncomfortable.
Some of us chose, instead, to run headfirst into pain, like we have something to prove.

But, there is a different way.

Let's just run. Run as if pain doesn't exist, like it holds no power over you. Your feet are unshackled, run!

I've been planning, scheming, whatever you want to call it.

I'm tired of rambling haphazardly through life, with no specific purpose or meaning. I was brought up to believe that every person has a purpose, something that gives their life meaning. The Bible even mentions that without vision, the people perish. I have had no vision, my eyes were firmly fixed to the ground. But, I've begun to raise them bit by bit and look ahead into the future God has planned for me if I just trust him.

Basically, I want to help the broken, heal the hurting, show people there is a better way than pain. I want people to know that they have worth. I want to tell people all the things I wish people would have told me. I want to spread light into darkness.

I am seriously praying and considering going back to school for counseling. I'm looking into programs and options, and plan on taking this year and seeing if that's what I really need to do. It might seem like I've been wasting time, but I haven't. I've gone around in a lot of circles, sure, but it has lead me to make some serious decisions, one of which is to make 2009 count.

I don't want this year to be a waste. I want to live and learn and grow as a person and spiritually. I want to explore new horizons, and make amazing life changes. Then, next year, maybe I'll embark on a career path. Or maybe God has something else in store.

No matter what... BRING IT!

Can we just hold on
One moment longer
I'm not ready to let go
I have dreamed of this day
Now the time comes
I am unprepared
I am afraid

A New Year
Leaving the old behind
Time reigns supreme
We cannot stop it
The new comes
The old fades
I am now ready
I do not fear