i like sitting on my front porch at two in the morning.
it feels so empty inside of the house, but outside i feel like i'm engaging with life or something.
and i like thinking about how i will be living in the back of van in a campground in lake george, new york here in about two and a half weeks.

i like those kinds of thoughts a lot.

i like the word "leaving".

it's a double-edged sword. it first severs you from something, but at the same time brings you to something else.
i like the thought of being brought to something else.

there's a life pusling through my veins. a craving, a longing, the spirit of adventure. it drives my heart to beat. i breathe oxygen to fuel it. it's in my blood.

thank god, because i see his hand in all of this.

i thought about waiting to write this tomorrow because it might hold a bit more signifigance. but there is a lot running through my mind and i'll probably forget it all tomorrow.

you see, tomorrow i turn twenty years old. for some, i guess it's not that big of deal, but for me it is. when i was a kid i had very high expectations for myself, i wanted to be the kind of person that changed the world while they were still in high school, published books, wrote music and travelled around the world. but the course of my life has not been, as is usually the case, what i had intended as a child. my teenage years flew by and everytime i tried to break away from "normal" i was buffeted. it took a long time, wrestling with god, to realize that his plans are higher than mine and i'm still struggling with trusting him.

but instead of viewing tomorrow as the burial day of all i dreamed i do as a teen, i'm going to see it as a new birth. it is the beginning of my twenties, i am for real an adult. i have a bit more experience behind me, i am somewhat wiser, and for once in my life, i'm not afraid to just walk out the door and leave everything i know behind.

i am finally learning to not focus on some vague goal or plan, but learn to love the process, the journey, growing and becoming the person i am. and i hope to god this never stops. i don't want to be a washed out, stagnant, middle-aged lady content to dwell in mediocrity.

i won't look back at what "might have been", but i am surely not going to let the future go to waste.

it's time to close one door, and open another.

adventure is waiting...

what we do when we are bored says so much about our character.

(so what am i doing?
wasting my time, as usual
my life is draining from me
one second at a time
and i spend the evening on the computer
is that the kind of person i want to be?)