i changed my blog title. i feel like "looking for home" is no longer who i am, because i have found home. in the words of jamie tworkowski, "home is where you hug a hundred people". i have found that place. but that will not stop me from wandering, exploring the infinite possibilities of this life

a year goes by...

i just paged through my blog and realized that i started it a year ago today. i thought i would have remembered that, since it's christmas and all, but i guess not.

but, oh what a year it has been. i feel like i've come full circle, as a sit in the kitchen at my indiana home. but, i finally feel like i know who i am and where i belong. it's been a journey, and i regret none of it. i expect more such journeys in the future.

however, today, i am content to finally breathe again. the love of jesus in a symphony, running through me, a melody running underneath me (thanks, switchfoot).

merry christmas, all.
the light of the world loves you.

this isn't a defeat

three months ago if i had thought about moving back to indiana, i would have said, "no way." it would seem to me the biggest failure, like a defeat of some sorts.

and that's the problem, to some degree. somehow along the way i got into this mindset that i was "too good" for indiana, and i was wrong. i'm not trying to sound self-deprecating and say that i'm not good enough for anything, but the issue was my attitude. and i learned that the hard way, and really, there wasn't any other way for me to learn it. i tried getting away from my surroundings thinking that somehow i'd get away from myself. it was easy to box all my problems and neatly label them "living in indiana", instead of more accurately "having a selfish and prideful heart and not trusting god".

not to say that my time in new york has been wasted, because that's the furthest thing from the truth. god has revealed so many things to me, he took me to a place where he was literally the only thing i had to rely on and i've grown so much closer to him. i've seen a lot of wonderful things, had some amazing experiences. i had a chance to live with someone who was hurting and broken and hopefully pour some of jesus into her. and i'm looking forward to visiting here, it's a great place. but it's not home.

what is home?

i'm not sure yet, but i'm being called back to washington, indiana. it's funny, when i told the few people i met here that i was leaving i got some smiles, nods and "good luck". not that they aren't nice people, it just doesn't really matter to them whether or not i'm there. the people i told in indiana, however, were excited and said they couldn't wait to see me and were glad that i'm coming home. home is where the heart is, i guess, and my heart's wrapped up in the lives of people in indiana, especially my family.

that doesn't mean i'll never leave again, because i know i will. but, i'll leave with a different mindest. i believe that indiana is my home, and using home as a launching pad, who knows where i'll go?

hello december,

the year is swiftly coming to a close. it's been a big year, a lot of changes, a lot of trials and a lot, i mean a lot, of god's provision. i've moved away from home, started a new life. and i'm thankful. so very thankful.

now, i look to future with eager eyes. i don't want to live in the past, wondering what might have been. it's time to let go of all that. instead, i'm willing to shape my future and let my future shape me, with my hand in the gentle grasp of my Father.