it's like everything comes together for a purpose.

and i'm tired and frustrated and impatient.

but i am incandescently happy.

and so very grateful.


so bring it.

i'm crazy

i'm one of those crazy people who can't sit still, who can't work a 9-5 job, who can't settle for anything less than the apparently insane.

i don't dream concrete dreams. my dreams are fluid, based more on general principles and philosophies than specific aspirations. i once read a beautiful analogy which explained that some people have a dream like a tree. they tend to that tree, they pour their life out taking care of that tree. others, the minority, plant gardens instead. a little of this, a little of that, not taking too much time with any one specific plant but cultivating a little of whatever strikes their fancy. i am the latter, through and through. i've tried and tried and fought with myself to have a tree, but i've come to enjoy my garden. i'm thinking of all the little things i've grown and cultivated and i'm only twenty!

all that being said..

my family and i are opening a lunch and dinner cafe/espresso bar and it will open february 16. it's called the element cafe. everything is moving so quickly, yet so providentially that i have to believe it's from the hand of the lord. like there was actual purpose to me moving back here, in order to, well, cultivate one of the plants in my garden.

i've grown up a lot over the past year. i finally feel like i'm a not a kid anymore, and i actually like it. i needed the time away, out of my comfort zone, to mature a little. and this is going to be one enormous growing experience. there's going to be blood, sweat, and tears. and it's going to be beautiful.

there will be more info about the cafe soon, i'll have facebook page for it and everything very soon, so i'll keep you facebookers posted about that.

(ps http://bit.ly/a2iiuD )

skies so blue

there is nothing like the brightness of the blue sky in the morning after a night of thunderstorms. i'm curled up in my pajamas, just enjoying being able to relax on this beautiful morning. my second story window provides a panorama of the western sky colliding with the buildings and streets of town.

as i sit here, a melody from the classic crime is running through my head...

"i have come to the realization
that life is more than what i have accomplished
life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all
true success is so selfless
so drown in the lyrics of your life
and give up the air that you breathe
you don't need anything"

it an interesting concept, to give up our ideas of "accomplishment" and "success" and simply immerse ourselves in the beauty of living our lives. and that may come across somewhat existentialist, so what if it does?

i have a philosophy that there are two things this life is about:

firstly, relationships. especially our relationship with god.
and i mean true relationships, the self-sacrificing kind. the kind you base your life around. and a relationship with a god who is living, a dynamic relationship. full of trust and openness, fear and adventure. real friendships with people you care about, who you stay up late talking on the phone to. who you'd drive across the country, across the world to see. the stranger on the side of the road you give a ride to. the check-out lady at the store. each of our encounters with another person has significance. and you can either be a positive or negative influence on everyone you come in contact with.

secondly, experiences. especially our experiences with god.
if we truly love people and engage in real relationship, the opportunities for amazing experiences are endless. and if we are wrapped up in an active relationship with god, even solo experiences are laden with significance. so, watch sunsets and hike the grand canyon and drive really fast down that road when no one is looking. take long walks and even longer bike rides. drink a cup of coffee while sitting by the window at your favorite restaurant and watch the rain pour, streaming down the pane. i fully believe that it's the little things, the things that have seemingly little meaning in the cosmic sense, are the things that we'll look back on and be thankful we lived.

so go outside and take a deep breath of the january air and feel alive.

martin luther king, jr.

"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. "
(martin luther king, jr.)

this man stood for something and died for it.

what do you stand for?
and is it worth dying for?

"I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. "
(mlk, jr.)

amputating rejection

i'm in the process of re-reading east of eden by john steinbeck...

" 'The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and the crime guilt -- and there is the story of mankind. I think that if rejection could be amputated, the human would not be what he is,. Maybe there would be fewer crazy people. I am sure in myself there would be many jails. It's all there -- the start, the beginning.' "

It's amazing the power we have over people, and we don't even realize it.
Rejecting someone, making them feel as if they are not worthy and valued as a person, even with just a glance or a word, can have ramifications you cannot imagine. And an act of love can have equal consequences in the opposite direction...

The same within our own souls. Far too often we let the rejection of others cloud how view ourselves and the world around us.

... is it possible to amputate rejection, or at least the hold it has on us, from our lives?

i think it is.

the moon

(apologies for the last post. a failed attempt at mobile blogging, but i think it looks really neat.)


the light
shone suddenly
blinds me and i am afraid
but hope leaps within me
as i realize that all is not lost

a new wonder has been found
my heart is not alone
but i can relate to the universe
to you, oh stars, i find relevance
and with you, ocean deep, i find companionship
you tie to me a thing greater
you tie me to a creator

a new life is the fire in my veins
on this teary night in december

i trusted the familiar
and therefore clung to worthlessness
but i am finding a cause
i am finding that the moon is the gaze of a god who loves

i am finding a reason to be alive

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story

I have been challenged (in a good way!) by Don Miller's (Blue Like Jazz) recent blogs about not making New Year's resolutions but instead deciding to live a better story.

This new year was of more consequence to me than others, I actually officially moved back into my parents' home on new years day. for once, this new year really means a new start.

now, i could sit here and make a list of things i want to do (like work out more, save some money) and not do (drink so much caffeine, eat junk food). or, i could decide to rather live my life with a purpose.

stories are defined by their characters. a character is someone who wants something and goes through conflict to get it. so, i suppose it has more to do with one's mindset. i can decide to do certain things because of obligation, or i can chose to do things as part of a bigger picture: living a good story.

all of our checklists will mean nothing later in life unless they are leading to much higher goals and bigger purposes.

you could lose all kinds weight, save all kinds of money and still be living for absolutely nothing. some of the happiest people i know have nothing, but theirs lives are rich in purpose.

what really matters in this life?

i have found, from a searching of scripture and my limited personal experience, that it's simple. simple, but not easy.

to live engaged in an active relationship with god. learning to let his values become yours, learning to see people through his eyes and treating them as he would. to enjoy your life, to not waste your time in vain trying to get ahead, but to let go and live. treasure the things in life that really matter, and don't let material things get the best of you. look at sunsets, go on trips with your friends, hug your family.

life is so short. let's make it something worth looking back on.

who needs air

(by the classic crime)

"I long to taste adventure like the nature of the sea,
Always moving, always hiding all the creatures from beneath.
Singing silent songs of sadness my heart waits for its chance,
To dance upon the ashes of my burned up little plans.

And I stand alone before the night.
My nakedness is so clear in the glow of the moonlight.
Life is old but so short.
We are young we want more.

I'm drowning, but I don't care,
Because when you got what I got, what I got
Who needs air?
I don't need air.

My addiction to danger like the rush of the sea,
Like a wave on the rocks the lessons crash down on me.
I don't need to prove the world to you only to myself.
So step back and look away as I dive into the swell.

So take me down to the river like a little child,
and take my hand and tell me it's ok to be wild,
I never knew the world until I saw it through Your eyes,
I never knew myself until I ripped off my disguise"

these lyrics say more eloquently than i could of the nature of my heart

i changed my blog title. i feel like "looking for home" is no longer who i am, because i have found home. in the words of jamie tworkowski, "home is where you hug a hundred people". i have found that place. but that will not stop me from wandering, exploring the infinite possibilities of this life

a year goes by...

i just paged through my blog and realized that i started it a year ago today. i thought i would have remembered that, since it's christmas and all, but i guess not.

but, oh what a year it has been. i feel like i've come full circle, as a sit in the kitchen at my indiana home. but, i finally feel like i know who i am and where i belong. it's been a journey, and i regret none of it. i expect more such journeys in the future.

however, today, i am content to finally breathe again. the love of jesus in a symphony, running through me, a melody running underneath me (thanks, switchfoot).

merry christmas, all.
the light of the world loves you.

this isn't a defeat

three months ago if i had thought about moving back to indiana, i would have said, "no way." it would seem to me the biggest failure, like a defeat of some sorts.

and that's the problem, to some degree. somehow along the way i got into this mindset that i was "too good" for indiana, and i was wrong. i'm not trying to sound self-deprecating and say that i'm not good enough for anything, but the issue was my attitude. and i learned that the hard way, and really, there wasn't any other way for me to learn it. i tried getting away from my surroundings thinking that somehow i'd get away from myself. it was easy to box all my problems and neatly label them "living in indiana", instead of more accurately "having a selfish and prideful heart and not trusting god".

not to say that my time in new york has been wasted, because that's the furthest thing from the truth. god has revealed so many things to me, he took me to a place where he was literally the only thing i had to rely on and i've grown so much closer to him. i've seen a lot of wonderful things, had some amazing experiences. i had a chance to live with someone who was hurting and broken and hopefully pour some of jesus into her. and i'm looking forward to visiting here, it's a great place. but it's not home.

what is home?

i'm not sure yet, but i'm being called back to washington, indiana. it's funny, when i told the few people i met here that i was leaving i got some smiles, nods and "good luck". not that they aren't nice people, it just doesn't really matter to them whether or not i'm there. the people i told in indiana, however, were excited and said they couldn't wait to see me and were glad that i'm coming home. home is where the heart is, i guess, and my heart's wrapped up in the lives of people in indiana, especially my family.

that doesn't mean i'll never leave again, because i know i will. but, i'll leave with a different mindest. i believe that indiana is my home, and using home as a launching pad, who knows where i'll go?

hello december,

the year is swiftly coming to a close. it's been a big year, a lot of changes, a lot of trials and a lot, i mean a lot, of god's provision. i've moved away from home, started a new life. and i'm thankful. so very thankful.

now, i look to future with eager eyes. i don't want to live in the past, wondering what might have been. it's time to let go of all that. instead, i'm willing to shape my future and let my future shape me, with my hand in the gentle grasp of my Father.

canvas

i like the idea that life is a blank canvas, or an untouched lump of clay. it means great freedom to create, to explore new techniques of artistry, to make something unique.

i don't like the pressure to make exactly what everyone else is making.
i don't like the pressure of my want/need to make it perfect, beautiful, exact.

but, i'm learning.

there is One who set a great example about how to create. and i think it brings joy to him to see his children follow his footsteps. he has certain rules, like any art form does, and if we let him guide us, he will help us make the most beautiful, perfect life because that's what he wants from us.

that's why he lets us go through the hard times, sometimes pieces need refined, need chiseled, need to be redone. and through it all, we learn and our life continues to be molded and changed into an image of Him.

it's beautiful

cerulean

what is freedom
but a sweetly whispered word
adrift on a soft breeze
landing in my heart
causing all my chains to crumble

(your light blinds me
but there is nothing i would rather see
your love slays me
but there is no other reason to live)

hope
is like the clouds, set ablaze by the sunset
color is something i don't see
but feel

isn't mercy like rain?
a tender touch on an upturned face
(thankful)

a certain sighing silence
as love stealthily conquers all
even yesterday and tomorrow are held in love's firm grip

you are sufficiently amazing (amazing sufficient)

sleeping awake.

just watched the matrix. gee, i forgot how much i really, really, like that movie.

POD wrote a song for the matrix reloaded called "sleeping awake". i'll let the lyrics speak for themselves...

Reveal to me the mystery
Can you tell me what it means?
Explain these motions and metaphors
Unlock these secrets in me
Describe the vision, the meaning is missing
Won't anybody listen?

Define the riddles of my mind
Nothing is really what it seems

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake
Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel what I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake
Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel like I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping...

Can you see it? The writing,
Can you tell me what it means?
Translate the symbols, Enigma
Expressions keep questioning me
The message is written, the meaning is missing
Won't anybody Listen?

Prophesy, interpretating the signs
Nothing is really what it seems

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake
Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel what I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake
Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel like I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
Can you hear what I hear?
And do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
And do you feel like I feel?
And can you dream like I dream?

Do you see what I see?
Can you hear what I hear?
Or do you feel like I feel?
Or do you dream like I dream?
Anybody see me?
Anybody hear me?
Anybody feel me?
Anybody out there?!?

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake
Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel what I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake
Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel like I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Anybody see me?
Anybody hear me?
Anybody feel me?
Anybody out there?!?

always yours

i've just been tripping through life lately. pretty content, i suppose, but never wanting to settle in complacency. trying to just make sense of the situations god has me, but then realizing i just need to live, following his lead, and trusting him to work out whatever plan he has.

because, my steps are ordered by the lord. i don't need to worry about following some magic formula to make sure i'm "in his will", i just... live, loyal to my first love, Jesus, learning to channel all of my actions through my love for him.

by the way, the new switchfoot album is amazing

"Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
And I am always yours"
(switchfoot - always)

there is no victory without purity

I was listening to Jason Upton the other day. I had actually quite forgotten about him, I'm afraid. But I came across some CDs of his I have, and I was very glad I had found them. In one of his songs, he starts singing about how there is no victory without purity.

i started to roll that around in my head a bit. it seems like no one talks about purity anymore, and if you do you are a religious fundamentalist, a pharisee, "holier than thou", or amish. and truthfully, i think that's awful.

obtaining purity has been stripped down to not much more than a list of dos and don'ts by western Christianity. and there's been a lot of contemporary teaching on getting rid of that list, about how god loves us despite what we do or don't do. and that is so true. in fact, that's the only way to look at it.

but it doesn't stop there.

in the dictionary, purity is defined as the state of being pure. pure is defined as " unmixed with any other matter", and "free from what vitiates, weakens, or pollutes" among other similar definitions.

the first definition illustrates the heart of god, i think. purity is a natural result of a true relationship with jesus. when you let his love consume you, you will not want to be mixed with any other matter. and god is jealous over our hearts, as we grow with him he will strip away all that is not of him and bring us to a state of purity. search his word, ask him to speak to you. he will guide you to purity. religion can't accomplish that. all religion can do is try to tell what is right and what is wrong, but there is no substitute for the gentle guiding and refining from a god who loves you.

the second definition explains the why of purity. the things that are not of the lord weaken us! pollute us! they make us ineffective (vitiate). it's not that god is mean, and he wants us to conform to some arbitrary standard of conduct he conjured up from the sky or else bad things will happen. he designed us and created us for him and he knows that the things that are not of him will destroy us in time. and he loves us too much to let that happen.

search my heart, oh god. bring me to a place of purity before you.