this isn't a defeat

three months ago if i had thought about moving back to indiana, i would have said, "no way." it would seem to me the biggest failure, like a defeat of some sorts.

and that's the problem, to some degree. somehow along the way i got into this mindset that i was "too good" for indiana, and i was wrong. i'm not trying to sound self-deprecating and say that i'm not good enough for anything, but the issue was my attitude. and i learned that the hard way, and really, there wasn't any other way for me to learn it. i tried getting away from my surroundings thinking that somehow i'd get away from myself. it was easy to box all my problems and neatly label them "living in indiana", instead of more accurately "having a selfish and prideful heart and not trusting god".

not to say that my time in new york has been wasted, because that's the furthest thing from the truth. god has revealed so many things to me, he took me to a place where he was literally the only thing i had to rely on and i've grown so much closer to him. i've seen a lot of wonderful things, had some amazing experiences. i had a chance to live with someone who was hurting and broken and hopefully pour some of jesus into her. and i'm looking forward to visiting here, it's a great place. but it's not home.

what is home?

i'm not sure yet, but i'm being called back to washington, indiana. it's funny, when i told the few people i met here that i was leaving i got some smiles, nods and "good luck". not that they aren't nice people, it just doesn't really matter to them whether or not i'm there. the people i told in indiana, however, were excited and said they couldn't wait to see me and were glad that i'm coming home. home is where the heart is, i guess, and my heart's wrapped up in the lives of people in indiana, especially my family.

that doesn't mean i'll never leave again, because i know i will. but, i'll leave with a different mindest. i believe that indiana is my home, and using home as a launching pad, who knows where i'll go?