this isn't a defeat

three months ago if i had thought about moving back to indiana, i would have said, "no way." it would seem to me the biggest failure, like a defeat of some sorts.

and that's the problem, to some degree. somehow along the way i got into this mindset that i was "too good" for indiana, and i was wrong. i'm not trying to sound self-deprecating and say that i'm not good enough for anything, but the issue was my attitude. and i learned that the hard way, and really, there wasn't any other way for me to learn it. i tried getting away from my surroundings thinking that somehow i'd get away from myself. it was easy to box all my problems and neatly label them "living in indiana", instead of more accurately "having a selfish and prideful heart and not trusting god".

not to say that my time in new york has been wasted, because that's the furthest thing from the truth. god has revealed so many things to me, he took me to a place where he was literally the only thing i had to rely on and i've grown so much closer to him. i've seen a lot of wonderful things, had some amazing experiences. i had a chance to live with someone who was hurting and broken and hopefully pour some of jesus into her. and i'm looking forward to visiting here, it's a great place. but it's not home.

what is home?

i'm not sure yet, but i'm being called back to washington, indiana. it's funny, when i told the few people i met here that i was leaving i got some smiles, nods and "good luck". not that they aren't nice people, it just doesn't really matter to them whether or not i'm there. the people i told in indiana, however, were excited and said they couldn't wait to see me and were glad that i'm coming home. home is where the heart is, i guess, and my heart's wrapped up in the lives of people in indiana, especially my family.

that doesn't mean i'll never leave again, because i know i will. but, i'll leave with a different mindest. i believe that indiana is my home, and using home as a launching pad, who knows where i'll go?

hello december,

the year is swiftly coming to a close. it's been a big year, a lot of changes, a lot of trials and a lot, i mean a lot, of god's provision. i've moved away from home, started a new life. and i'm thankful. so very thankful.

now, i look to future with eager eyes. i don't want to live in the past, wondering what might have been. it's time to let go of all that. instead, i'm willing to shape my future and let my future shape me, with my hand in the gentle grasp of my Father.

canvas

i like the idea that life is a blank canvas, or an untouched lump of clay. it means great freedom to create, to explore new techniques of artistry, to make something unique.

i don't like the pressure to make exactly what everyone else is making.
i don't like the pressure of my want/need to make it perfect, beautiful, exact.

but, i'm learning.

there is One who set a great example about how to create. and i think it brings joy to him to see his children follow his footsteps. he has certain rules, like any art form does, and if we let him guide us, he will help us make the most beautiful, perfect life because that's what he wants from us.

that's why he lets us go through the hard times, sometimes pieces need refined, need chiseled, need to be redone. and through it all, we learn and our life continues to be molded and changed into an image of Him.

it's beautiful

cerulean

what is freedom
but a sweetly whispered word
adrift on a soft breeze
landing in my heart
causing all my chains to crumble

(your light blinds me
but there is nothing i would rather see
your love slays me
but there is no other reason to live)

hope
is like the clouds, set ablaze by the sunset
color is something i don't see
but feel

isn't mercy like rain?
a tender touch on an upturned face
(thankful)

a certain sighing silence
as love stealthily conquers all
even yesterday and tomorrow are held in love's firm grip

you are sufficiently amazing (amazing sufficient)

sleeping awake.

just watched the matrix. gee, i forgot how much i really, really, like that movie.

POD wrote a song for the matrix reloaded called "sleeping awake". i'll let the lyrics speak for themselves...

Reveal to me the mystery
Can you tell me what it means?
Explain these motions and metaphors
Unlock these secrets in me
Describe the vision, the meaning is missing
Won't anybody listen?

Define the riddles of my mind
Nothing is really what it seems

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake
Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel what I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake
Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel like I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping...

Can you see it? The writing,
Can you tell me what it means?
Translate the symbols, Enigma
Expressions keep questioning me
The message is written, the meaning is missing
Won't anybody Listen?

Prophesy, interpretating the signs
Nothing is really what it seems

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake
Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel what I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake
Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel like I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
Can you hear what I hear?
And do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
And do you feel like I feel?
And can you dream like I dream?

Do you see what I see?
Can you hear what I hear?
Or do you feel like I feel?
Or do you dream like I dream?
Anybody see me?
Anybody hear me?
Anybody feel me?
Anybody out there?!?

Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Sleeping Awake
Dreaming of Zion, Awake
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel what I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake
Do you see what I see?
And can you hear what I hear?
Do you feel like I feel?
Can't stop Sleeping Awake

Anybody see me?
Anybody hear me?
Anybody feel me?
Anybody out there?!?

always yours

i've just been tripping through life lately. pretty content, i suppose, but never wanting to settle in complacency. trying to just make sense of the situations god has me, but then realizing i just need to live, following his lead, and trusting him to work out whatever plan he has.

because, my steps are ordered by the lord. i don't need to worry about following some magic formula to make sure i'm "in his will", i just... live, loyal to my first love, Jesus, learning to channel all of my actions through my love for him.

by the way, the new switchfoot album is amazing

"Hallelujah, I'm caving in
Hallelujah, I'm in love again
Hallelujah, I'm a wretched man
Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance

And it is always yours
And I am always yours"
(switchfoot - always)