god should mean more than your workout routine

i like to exercise. i try to go run two or three times a week. i say i like to exercise, but the truth is, i do it more because i feel it's good for me and i enjoy the benefits of it than i do for the sheer joy of crawling out of bed on a cold morning and forcing my legs to move. i do it, then forget about it. besides the health benefits, it has no effect on my daily life except for the sometimes i have to re-arrange my schedule slightly to squeeze it in.

granted, i know there are people who are passionate about running. it's their passion, they love it and they do center their lives around it. that's great. i'm talking about the other 95% of us, who exercise because we have to, because we feel like it's a good thing to do, because we think it'll improve our life or something.

now, i've been church shopping and i've not really found a place i want to commit to going. but, i have come to the realization that most people treat church like a workout routine. they squeeze it in sunday mornings, pop their daily prayer and bible reading like vitamins and then forget about it. they do it to improve their lifestyle, to make them look good, to make them feel good.

unfortunately, i want more than that. i don't want god to "improve" my lifestyle, i want a lifestyle that is centered around god. that is about god and not me. not about me feeling good or looking good but about him feeling good and looking good.

maybe that's not possible to find in churches now, i don't know. all i know is that we can't compartmentalize god. he doesn't want to be penciled in, he wants all of your day.

and on a side note, the church i went to on sunday played a collection of taylor swift, beyonce, sara bereilles and kanye west in the lobby before service! and after the worship songs, the team played "apologize" by one republic! i was kind of shocked, to say the least. shouldn't god be honored in our music, ESPECIALLY at church?

" I'm watching the green give into gold, as summer becomes October's cold"

*title from The Afters "Summer Again". I recommend that everyone listen to it!

I'm having a crazy time right now, settling it. It's so bizarre, everything that's going on. I still can't believe that I actually moved from Indiana, and somehow landed in this amazing situation. And it's not the easiest thing I've ever done, but things had to change. I had to change, I have to continue to change, I have to grow and move and create and experience new and hard things. Life is about a journey, the destination is somewhat important, but what really matters is that we take each moment for what it is and make the most of it. And we will be held responsible for what we do with those moments; our stewardship of our time will be the greatest test of our character.

i've been thinking about life in general, my life in specific. i'm slowly, gradually learning the things that are important to me, the things i want to invest my time in. i'm trying to line those things up with what god values as important, hopefully my thinking is becoming more like his. the shortness and frailty of life is an ever-present reality, one that gets lost in the endless television commercials and long work days.

one thing is for sure, however, the more i change the more i realize that my life isn't about me. and the more i start to live my life for other people, the more i feel content with myself. it seems a backward contradiction, but maybe that's why the kingdom of god is considered an upside-down system, where the losers win and those who give it all away gain it all in the end. and i would rather be the lowliest of low now to be held in esteem by the father of the heavens for all eternity.


i'm pretty sure i posted this poem last fall, but who cares, it's still great:

to stand(alone)in some

autumnal afternoon:
breathing a fatal
stillness;while

enormous this how

patient creature(who’s
never by never robbed of
day)puts always on by always

dream,is to

taste
not(beyond
death and

life)imaginable mysteries

(ee cummings)

somehow everything's gonna fall right into place

it's amazing how life changes so suddenly. but, when an opportunity is right in front of your face, you'd be a fool to walk away.

ever since i've been up here, i've been babysitting for a lady who has a three-year-old daughter and way too much to do and too little time. She really needs a live-in nanny and house-keeper, but there was noone here she felt would really work out. except for me, but i was planning on leaving to go... nowhere? i don't know, i had no direction. vague ideas maybe, but nothing concrete. however, it seemed like everything i needed was in front of my face the entire time. a nice-paying job with flexible hours, a place to stay, the abililty to leave for a month or so to go to england, living in an area that i really enjoy, free to write and create and to hike and explore. i get a new vehicle, my boss is willing to work with me to help me afford it. i'm going to hopefully find a church to go to. maybe even a part-time job at a ski place? who knows, anything is possible, i'm realizing.

i get to see the winter here. skiing, ice skating.. snow! god is taking care of everything, giving me what i need. it's breath-taking, really. i can hardly believe it.

i am so grateful. i am so taken aback.

his mercies are new every morning

and that is a miraculous thing.

i have so much to be thankful for. i'm on this crazy, wild ride called my life and god is the one steering. he knows exactly what i need and when i need it.

there are just certain things that i don't think will ever be the same. i can't sleep in anymore. mornings are just too beautiful to miss out on. i'm not interested in shopping and loading up on new things to make myself feel new. i have mountains and rivers and lakes to do that for me, mainly because they point to their Creator, and he makes all things beautiful and new in their time. but, i still lack in so many areas. but, there is one who fills all empty places when they're ready.

"where my feet will never trod"

collapsed blue of sky
water to my wandering eye
a reflection, out of grasp
and i, on the outside, lack
doomed to see, but never touch
and doomed to see much too much
trees of autumn, filled with red
are words to me, never said

leaves of red

"get up, get out, make this be for something - or else it's all just nothing" (the rocket summer)

long time no blog, eh? however, being laptopless is probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. to think, i probably would have been spending my time with my face in front of a screen as opposed to biking down to the village, or driving up to Lake Placid. And living in a tent has completely changed my sleeping patterns. I go to bed earlier and get up earlier. And the great part about that has been the morning jogs on the great trails Crandall Park has through the woods. And I've got time... time to brush up on my french, time to play the guitar, time to read and time to talk with God. And for once in my life, I'm at peace with the pace of time. I used to stress over how fast it was going, or how slow it was passing. But now, now I'm not worried about anything.

life is strange, it's so short, but sometimes it seems like it endlessly stretches out in front of us...

and every single need is being taken care of. amazing, isn't it?


the leaves are beginning to change here. the nights and mornings are crisp and chilly. fall is approaching, and it's got to be the best time of the year. the trees come alive for one last hurrah before the winter sets in. the temperature is ideal, starting to cool down. i just regret that i'm going to miss the winter with the blankets and blankets of snow...