there is one thing in life that i have come to learn.
that is, treating each person you come in contact with like they are important makes such a huge difference.

this might be a trite example, but hear me out.

i was at work today, waiting tables, and being awesome and whatnot. it's usually my policy to treat customers like they rock because it typically means more money for me. (however, i have a theory that i'd rather deal with a nice customer who tips poorly than a rude customer who tips well. so maybe i'm not too much of a mercenary. but i digress). i decided to expand that practice, however, to my coworkers and to whomever else may just decide to cross my path.

there is this one girl at work who i just didn't think liked me. she was always rude and standoffish and i typically avoided her when i could. but today, i decided to say good morning to her and ask her how she was. to my suprise she didn't say "leave me alone, jerk", but smiled and returned the question. and the entire day we were pleasant to each other. which led to me think that when we think people are rude to us, maybe they think we are the ones being rude. and it's up to us to break out of that, even with a simple good morning.

you see, because in the end life is not about me.
it's about other people.
and making other people feel like they are liked and valued as a person even when you're not sure you even like them is what i believe i (and i think you, too) are called to do.
i think that one book says something along those lines. oh you know, the bible. yeah, that jesus dude. and that paul guy, too.

it is freeing to live outside of yourself. it rids you of not only vanity and pride, but also of self-consciousness and insecurity. because those are just two sides of the same coin: self-absorption.

the past is over.

there is nothing you can do about it now.
i'm sorry. but you have to let it go.

there is only one thing you can do.
that is, take control of the future. you have a chance to make the future whatever you want it to be. you may not be able to control time, but you can control how you react and respond. you are responsible with what you make with the things that life (God) gives you.

so, do yourself a favor.
leave the past behind you.
pocket the good memories and hold onto the lessons you've learned from your mistakes.

...and walk forward.

my list of things to do is quite daunting
but i'm not afraid of it

it's the natural course of life,
this thing called change
and i like it
i like it a lot

anticipation...

i like sitting on my front porch at two in the morning.
it feels so empty inside of the house, but outside i feel like i'm engaging with life or something.
and i like thinking about how i will be living in the back of van in a campground in lake george, new york here in about two and a half weeks.

i like those kinds of thoughts a lot.

i like the word "leaving".

it's a double-edged sword. it first severs you from something, but at the same time brings you to something else.
i like the thought of being brought to something else.

there's a life pusling through my veins. a craving, a longing, the spirit of adventure. it drives my heart to beat. i breathe oxygen to fuel it. it's in my blood.

thank god, because i see his hand in all of this.

i thought about waiting to write this tomorrow because it might hold a bit more signifigance. but there is a lot running through my mind and i'll probably forget it all tomorrow.

you see, tomorrow i turn twenty years old. for some, i guess it's not that big of deal, but for me it is. when i was a kid i had very high expectations for myself, i wanted to be the kind of person that changed the world while they were still in high school, published books, wrote music and travelled around the world. but the course of my life has not been, as is usually the case, what i had intended as a child. my teenage years flew by and everytime i tried to break away from "normal" i was buffeted. it took a long time, wrestling with god, to realize that his plans are higher than mine and i'm still struggling with trusting him.

but instead of viewing tomorrow as the burial day of all i dreamed i do as a teen, i'm going to see it as a new birth. it is the beginning of my twenties, i am for real an adult. i have a bit more experience behind me, i am somewhat wiser, and for once in my life, i'm not afraid to just walk out the door and leave everything i know behind.

i am finally learning to not focus on some vague goal or plan, but learn to love the process, the journey, growing and becoming the person i am. and i hope to god this never stops. i don't want to be a washed out, stagnant, middle-aged lady content to dwell in mediocrity.

i won't look back at what "might have been", but i am surely not going to let the future go to waste.

it's time to close one door, and open another.

adventure is waiting...

what we do when we are bored says so much about our character.

(so what am i doing?
wasting my time, as usual
my life is draining from me
one second at a time
and i spend the evening on the computer
is that the kind of person i want to be?)