it's like everything comes together for a purpose.

and i'm tired and frustrated and impatient.

but i am incandescently happy.

and so very grateful.


so bring it.

i'm crazy

i'm one of those crazy people who can't sit still, who can't work a 9-5 job, who can't settle for anything less than the apparently insane.

i don't dream concrete dreams. my dreams are fluid, based more on general principles and philosophies than specific aspirations. i once read a beautiful analogy which explained that some people have a dream like a tree. they tend to that tree, they pour their life out taking care of that tree. others, the minority, plant gardens instead. a little of this, a little of that, not taking too much time with any one specific plant but cultivating a little of whatever strikes their fancy. i am the latter, through and through. i've tried and tried and fought with myself to have a tree, but i've come to enjoy my garden. i'm thinking of all the little things i've grown and cultivated and i'm only twenty!

all that being said..

my family and i are opening a lunch and dinner cafe/espresso bar and it will open february 16. it's called the element cafe. everything is moving so quickly, yet so providentially that i have to believe it's from the hand of the lord. like there was actual purpose to me moving back here, in order to, well, cultivate one of the plants in my garden.

i've grown up a lot over the past year. i finally feel like i'm a not a kid anymore, and i actually like it. i needed the time away, out of my comfort zone, to mature a little. and this is going to be one enormous growing experience. there's going to be blood, sweat, and tears. and it's going to be beautiful.

there will be more info about the cafe soon, i'll have facebook page for it and everything very soon, so i'll keep you facebookers posted about that.

(ps http://bit.ly/a2iiuD )

skies so blue

there is nothing like the brightness of the blue sky in the morning after a night of thunderstorms. i'm curled up in my pajamas, just enjoying being able to relax on this beautiful morning. my second story window provides a panorama of the western sky colliding with the buildings and streets of town.

as i sit here, a melody from the classic crime is running through my head...

"i have come to the realization
that life is more than what i have accomplished
life is more than the realization that we have accomplished nothing at all
true success is so selfless
so drown in the lyrics of your life
and give up the air that you breathe
you don't need anything"

it an interesting concept, to give up our ideas of "accomplishment" and "success" and simply immerse ourselves in the beauty of living our lives. and that may come across somewhat existentialist, so what if it does?

i have a philosophy that there are two things this life is about:

firstly, relationships. especially our relationship with god.
and i mean true relationships, the self-sacrificing kind. the kind you base your life around. and a relationship with a god who is living, a dynamic relationship. full of trust and openness, fear and adventure. real friendships with people you care about, who you stay up late talking on the phone to. who you'd drive across the country, across the world to see. the stranger on the side of the road you give a ride to. the check-out lady at the store. each of our encounters with another person has significance. and you can either be a positive or negative influence on everyone you come in contact with.

secondly, experiences. especially our experiences with god.
if we truly love people and engage in real relationship, the opportunities for amazing experiences are endless. and if we are wrapped up in an active relationship with god, even solo experiences are laden with significance. so, watch sunsets and hike the grand canyon and drive really fast down that road when no one is looking. take long walks and even longer bike rides. drink a cup of coffee while sitting by the window at your favorite restaurant and watch the rain pour, streaming down the pane. i fully believe that it's the little things, the things that have seemingly little meaning in the cosmic sense, are the things that we'll look back on and be thankful we lived.

so go outside and take a deep breath of the january air and feel alive.

martin luther king, jr.

"History will have to record that the greatest tragedy of this period of social transition was not the strident clamor of the bad people, but the appalling silence of the good people. "
(martin luther king, jr.)

this man stood for something and died for it.

what do you stand for?
and is it worth dying for?

"I submit to you that if a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live. "
(mlk, jr.)

amputating rejection

i'm in the process of re-reading east of eden by john steinbeck...

" 'The greatest terror a child can have is that he is not loved, and rejection is the hell he fears. I think everyone in the world to a large or small extent has felt rejection. And with rejection comes anger, and with anger some kind of crime in revenge for the rejection, and the crime guilt -- and there is the story of mankind. I think that if rejection could be amputated, the human would not be what he is,. Maybe there would be fewer crazy people. I am sure in myself there would be many jails. It's all there -- the start, the beginning.' "

It's amazing the power we have over people, and we don't even realize it.
Rejecting someone, making them feel as if they are not worthy and valued as a person, even with just a glance or a word, can have ramifications you cannot imagine. And an act of love can have equal consequences in the opposite direction...

The same within our own souls. Far too often we let the rejection of others cloud how view ourselves and the world around us.

... is it possible to amputate rejection, or at least the hold it has on us, from our lives?

i think it is.

the moon

(apologies for the last post. a failed attempt at mobile blogging, but i think it looks really neat.)


the light
shone suddenly
blinds me and i am afraid
but hope leaps within me
as i realize that all is not lost

a new wonder has been found
my heart is not alone
but i can relate to the universe
to you, oh stars, i find relevance
and with you, ocean deep, i find companionship
you tie to me a thing greater
you tie me to a creator

a new life is the fire in my veins
on this teary night in december

i trusted the familiar
and therefore clung to worthlessness
but i am finding a cause
i am finding that the moon is the gaze of a god who loves

i am finding a reason to be alive